Personal Success

Doing What You Love is Overrated

July 7, 2022 by Anonymous

“I could never work a typical 9-5”

“Ew, you’re basically a corporate zombie.”

“If you do what you love, you never have to work a day in your life.”

It seems that in recent years, there is a large shift of distaste towards traditional occupations. We are berated with this notion that the not-so-glamorous 9-5 jobs should not be your goal. They should be avoided at all costs. If you scroll across TikTok or Instagram, we are flooded with instances of creators who are becoming financially independent by doing what they love, and, in turn, we too feel as if we must follow the herd in doing the same.

And this is nice, right? That our generation has the luxury to support dreams and aspirations that vary so widely from traditional methods of income generation.

I enjoy this concept of doing what you love. I believe that doing what you love provides feelings of fulfillment and satisfaction. It gives us purpose.

It makes us feel alive.

But, I would like to provide a little pushback to this notion of undertaking what you love as an occupation. In Emma Chamberlain’s hit podcast Anything Goes, she discusses this very topic in an episode titled “the truth about being self employed.”

Her point is essentially this:

When what you love is also the means by which you make a living, you play a dangerous game. You see, what you love slowly transforms into a responsibility. No longer are you able to enjoy the thing that gives you pleasure; but rather, you are forced to do it because otherwise you would not be able to survive. Those very passions become obligations.

Even further (specifically for those who are looking for a self-employed life), you can never truly “log off.” You are plagued by the constant anxiety of doing something or bettering your craft in some way. Therefore, there really is no work-life separation. You are in a perpetual state of working all the time, where the lines blur between your personal and professional life.

Therefore, while it may seem attractive to dictate your own success, you feel burdened by the fact that only you can dictate the amount of success/failure. You become the cause and the blame. This can be detrimental to your mental health.

And here’s my stance on traditional jobs.

Yes, doing something you hate for 40 hours a week while you grow old will most definitely make a sane man mad. But, doing something you can tolerate, now that is a different story.

Because here’s the thing.

While working a job you can tolerate, you are able to accomplish so much. For one, you are given a schedule and are able to integrate that into your daily routine; freeing yourself from the worry of constantly planning each day, week, or month. This will also free up mental capacity to worry about the more important things in life.

Then, many traditional jobs provide a consistent stream of income that gives you the financial freedom to explore your passions, travel, or enjoy life. There is an unnecessary romanticization of the struggling artist. Why struggle? Why not pursue your passions in a sustainable manner? Again, this steadiness will relieve you from unnecessary stress of worrying about making payments.

Therefore, while mundanity can grow tiresome it can also be a necessary stepping stone to living a happy and fulfilling life.

I would like to clarify that I don’t believe that no one should ever make a career out of their passions. I believe that it is amazing if you are able to, but it is an unnecessary expectation for everyone. Don’t feel pressured to pursue a career in something you love. That is too much stress. We feel as if we aren’t doing life right if we are working a traditional job when that is not the case. So, if you take anything away from this article, take this:

It is okay to be working a traditional job. Whatever fits your goals, lifestyle, journey, etc. No one can tell you what will be the best option for you.

The Importance of Moving Away After College

June 23, 2022 by Anonymous

When I encounter someone in their thirties and discuss the conclusion of my college career, many times I am given the unsolicited advice of:

“Move away after college.”

While this has always been my plan (a symptom of the urge for new experiences), I never quite understood the importance of moving away after college. Now, I am one month from doing so–at the brink of a new chapter–staring at stacks of packed boxes piling my room. Finally, I feel like I understand (although I will never really know until possibly years from this current moment).

But here’s my thoughts.

Most of us are aware that we hold the power to change our lives at any given moment. We can quit our job. We can tell those toxic people in our lives to screw off. We can change the way we look or pick up a new hobby.

Yet, many of us don’t do this. I coach many young individuals who are still stuck in a life of unhappiness and dissatisfaction; motivated by the disconnect between their ideal and current self. And when prompted about why, the reply always seems to follow the lines of

“I can’t.”

Which we have established is a false statement, at least from a realistic point of view. But the argument isn’t about realism, it is about practicality. Many young individuals do not have a strong sense of self, and social media has only perpetuated this issue. However, I don’t necessarily think this is a bad thing. It is a natural thing.

A 21-22 year old student cannot be expected to have this strong sense of self. They have lived their whole lives being told who they should be or what they should be. They have spent the majority of their life up until this point being simply lectured at. Therefore, we begin to look externally for validation and a sense of belonging. As a byproduct of this, many of our perceptions of ourselves are shaped by those around us. We are confined by the limits of our inner and outer circles–by our social perception. It’s not practical to go against this.

Thus, it’s hard to flip a switch and become a new person. Because our close friends (and subsequently ourselves) only know of us to be a certain way.

This is why the next chapter of moving away is so important.

By doing so, we are relieved from the shackles of our past selves. We are granted the opportunity to reinvent ourselves. We are then allowed to fail in this process. We are free from judgment from those whose opinions we care most about. You see, we are forced in a place of uncomfortability. No longer can we hide behind the tranquility that our close knit group of friends provides for us.

And even more so, change breeds adaptability. Adaptability fosters growth. Old environments of comfortability do not breed change. That doesn’t mean it isn’t possible, but it simply means there is an extra barrier standing in the way during a moment where the least amount of resistance is ideal.

Finally, moving away allows us to gain new experiences and meet new people. In our short time as a young individual, I believe it is tremendously important to have these types of experiences before settling down. Because we all want stability in the end. But the worst kind of stability is one where you look back and wish you hadn’t settled for it so soon.

I say this all before having done it. Perhaps I am wrong about these ideas. But regardless, the testament of moving has already begun this process for me.

Overcoming Decision Paralysis

June 16, 2022 by Anonymous

Ripple effect (noun): the continuing and spreading results of an event or action

The scale of the effects of our decision-making can lead to the inability to find comfort in choosing a singular option; thus, leading to decision paralysis. We are usually passively aware of this phenomenon of the ripple effect. Where each decision has the ability to alter the entire course of our life. If we had chosen a different group of friends, we would be entirely different individuals with different sets of beliefs, motivations, and ideologies. If we had chosen a different college to attend, our experiences and opportunities would vary widely from our current experience.

However, despite this sentiment holding true in many decisions we face, it is not often that the decision, and its accompanying magnitude, is spelled out right before our eyes. It is within the conclusion of milestone moments (such as graduations) that truly emphasize the importance of our choices–and making the right one. As a newfound college grad and upcoming JD candidate, I am faced with a decision on a choosing school, where to live, and who I want to be.

As I turn the page into the next chapter of my life, I am faced with decisions. What school should I attend, and, subsequently, which region do I want to live in after graduation? Who do I want to be when I move away, capable of redefining my personal relationships? Where do I see as a place that will foster growth and be conducive to my goals? Where will I find happiness? What are the kinds of people I will meet? Will they like me?

Who…?

What…?

Where…?

These questions spiral my sanity out of control until my confidence and excitement for what’s to come is evaporated, leaving anxiety in its place.

I’d like to believe that my self-awareness has allowed me to deduce this much:

It is less about the fact that all options seem attractive to me, but more about the fact there are options.

It is the fear that I will choose the wrong option and be doomed to a life of misfortune and missed opportunity. Therefore, my brain enjoys the torture of conjuring up various situations that can justify choosing each option over any of the others.

This has undoubtedly caused for countless sleepless nights. Until one day, I stumbled across a quote that read:

“You didn’t make the wrong decision. You didn’t make the right decision. You made a decision. Now live with it.”

This resonated deeply with me. It was right. Could I justify any number of reasons to pursue a single option over the others? Yes. But what makes an option the objective “right decision”? Because the right decision wasn’t about the school nor was it about the place I would be living. It surely wasn’t about which was more conducive to my goals because they all ‘could’ be. So, what was it? I’d like to think it was the one that would allow me the most amount of happiness in the end.

And my happiness wasn’t confined to a single decision. It would never be. It was about whatever I made of my decision–the action and mindset that follows.

If I were to wallow at my decision and constantly wish I had picked the other option, then, yes, I would have made the wrong decision. Our self-confirmation bias would lead me to notice all the reasons why I shouldn’t have chose my current decision. I would be doomed to a lifetime of regret.

But if I were to embrace my decision with open arms, view it as a blessing, and capitalize on the opportunity, then it would be considered the right decision. It doesn’t matter about the potential for subjectively better outcomes had I chose a different decision. Because those paths no longer exist.

What exists is the life laid out before me. My decision will lead to me to many crossroads, many road-less-traveled-by’s. I would be doing myself a disservice to dwell on a decision of the past, limiting my decision-making in the future.

Maybe you are facing a similar situation as I–torn between the idea of two (or more) decisions. Then I hope you can take as much as I have away from this quote. The objective nature of a decision will not determine if the decision is the best thing for you or not. It is your reaction and/or subsequent actions to the decision.

A right decision does not exist. You determine what is the best decision.

Lessons from College: Transitioning Into Adulthood From the Lens of a New College Graduate

May 27, 2022 by Anonymous

It’s become cliche that, in our youth, we hear from our parents and older peers that our time in the traditional education system is one that flies by–in the blink of an eye you are handed a diploma that signifies four years of memories and lessons from college that have shaped you into the individual you are today. We motioned through high school, distracted by innumerable streams of gossip and our placement within the social hierarchy just to close the chapter recognizing that our time is limited. For many, we flow through college in this similar transitory manner. Yet, amidst long caffeinated weekday nights and binge-drinking-filled weekends, this idea of the finite-nature of our college years doesn’t seem to hit home despite our previous experience. Perhaps as a symptom of willful ignorance, we choose to ignore the magnitude that is our bounded time as a young, broke, and dumb college student. While this may cause less importance being placed on moments that should be grasped and held onto, I personally believe in this testament of being present with those you love, to be making mistakes that you will regret but invariably learn from, and experiencing your life one moment to the next.

ANOTHER MILESTONE

Yet, there will come a time when, as it has just occurred for me, we are forced to come to terms with the conclusion of our “childhood.” That is, sleeping in till noon on multiple days of the week no longer becomes a sustainable life practice. Or consuming copious amounts of alcohol multiple times a week no longer is “cool” but becomes “a drinking problem.” These changes in lifestyle are built upon the foundation of a singular idea: that you, as a 22-23 year-old college graduate, should have this whole life thing figured out. If you don’t, I guess you didn’t pay attention the previous 20-something years, right?

And that’s scary isn’t it? To reach a tangible point towards where others will view you as a form of a solved puzzle. Whose pieces are now fully linked, and, with it, the larger picture of who we are meant to be is fully realized. More often than not, as I discuss with my peers, this is not nearly the outcome that many of us are presented with. We have matured. We have seen more obstacles and have broadened our sense of self within this vast world. But, we still don’t have life figured out.

This past Saturday, I walked past that graduation stage–celebrated by family and friends. I graduated Summa Cum Laude and was recognized as the University’s Outstanding Senior, the College of Business’ Outstanding Graduate, Fraternity and Sorority Life’s Outstanding Senior, and was awarded the commencement’s leadership award. Yet, I will tell you one thing and that is that I still have no clue what I am doing. I am standing at the foot of a mountain that is tax payments, student debt, Roth IRA accounts, and soft-pitch softball leagues with not much of a better idea than when I entered college four years ago. Even more so, I look at who I want to become, and I am even more unsure of what that picture looks like.

I am scared.

Do I have friends who have bought houses and are working full-time jobs paying large salaries? Yes.

Do I have friends who are getting married and beginning their lives as spouses? Yes.

Do I have friends who have dropped out of college and are navigating the world with a better sense of purpose and belonging? Yes.

Therefore, it’s possible but am I doing any of these things?

No.

And, that’s okay.

What I have come to terms with is that every single person journeys through life at their own pace. Some are quicker to reach the idealized “finish line” sooner than others. But even if I am miles from this endpoint, it does not mean that progress hasn’t been made or that I am necessarily “behind” my peers. I am simply moving at my own pace. I am writing my story; albeit, my rising action may have a few extra chapters within it. That does not mean that my story is any less exciting or any less critically-acclaimed than those who have already reached their falling action. Luckily for me, and perhaps for you as well, I am a big fan of elaborate stories.

Despite my perceived lack-of-preparation for what comes next, it is not to say that I didn’t learn anything at all. Here are a few things that I have learned through my four years in my undergraduate career to those who may be currently in college or about to enter college.

Try and Fail

As a perfectionist seemingly plagued by the constant anxiety of feeling as if I have to excel at everything I do, the greatest lesson I learned through college was gaining the capacity to try new things. We often look at the daunting nature of our goals and become overwhelmed by what appears to be the countless amount of knowledge and expertise required to achieve them. But, what we fail to realize is that our role models started at the same point that we did: with no idea of what to do or how to get there. It was simply a dream. Thus, it is important to take our goals one step at a time. We don’t learn when we win. We learn when we fall to the ground, embarrassed, ego-bruised, and feeling defeated. It is within these moments that we reflect on what could have been done differently. It is important to reflect and to get back up and try again. I promise you no one is going to remember when you butchered that presentation in your Communications class freshman year, but you, as a senior who has become less anxious during large presentations and are now presenting in front of an entire assembly, will be appreciative of that growth opportunity. You are the only thing standing between yourself and who you want to be.

Is it worth it?

I kept a 4.0 G.P.A. through my entire college career. As a display of this, I get the privilege of writing this bit of information within my resume. However, I question many times if it was really worth the amount of stress required to achieve this tiny sliver of text. Because while the outcome was the opportunity to display this information in my resume, LinkedIn biography, and to boast to my classmates, the cost was that I turned down countless opportunities to foster relationships with my friends in order to get in extra time for studying or doing homework. And when I look back at it, I regret this decision. Yes, it is extremely important to excel at your academics. But equally as important, if not more, is the relationships that you build throughout your college years. Your grades will not pick you up when you are upset. Your grades will not be who you introduce to your children, and they will not be the best man/bridesmaid at your wedding. Your friends will be those things. So, never forget to schedule in time to cultivate your friendships.

The majority of learning takes place outside of the classroom.

If you ask me about the Federal Reserve’s response to increased inflation or the proper branding strategy for a new product launch, there is a high chance I will completely blank on this information despite what my degree may insinuate. However, if you place me in a team and ask me to lead a discussion, or give me an abundance of tasks and ask me to prioritize my time, I know that the knowledge I have gained through my extracurricular activities will translate into successful implementation of these items. It is through work outside of the classroom that I have learned about managing customer relationship systems, creating a website, inspiring others towards a common vision, creating and allocating a budget, and a variety of other useful tools that I may utilize toward my future success. It may become easy to get caught up in simply obtaining a degree from an institution, but I strongly encourage you to seek opportunities for growth beyond the classroom. These will distinguish you from others, and, I would argue, will be more useful in adapting to what future positions may require of you.

Start thinking about what you want to do as you near the end of your first semester of your sophomore year.

Notice how I said “start thinking” not “know”. I believe it is important to begin this process of self-discovery earlier than I originally believed I needed to. This may seem counterintuitive to the theme of this blog, but I don’t think I could give proper advice without including this bit of information for those reading. Thus, I urge you to explore various interests/career paths before the end of your junior year so that you can put yourself in the best position to obtain a job after graduation. This may mean interning at several companies in various sectors as to why I hinted at beginning this process early. I say this because you don’t want to reach the end of your college career feeling as if you HAVE to take a certain job that doesn’t excite you because there isn’t any job opportunity in the field you want to pursue. And while social media tells us to forgo salaries to pursue a career we find exciting, I recognize that many readers may not find this as a viable option whether that be from student debt repayment, familial pressure, or any other limiting factor. So, start early, so you can obtain a great job in whatever field you want to be in. Explore who YOU want to be.

Have fun.

I know this may seem like a no-brainer, but I find that oftentimes people ages 18-22 years old are bred to constantly be concerned about money, meeting deadlines, or always improving to be one step ahead of our peers. Yet, we have our entire lives to worry about those things. What matters when we are young is obtaining countless memories that we can look back on fondly. In 20 years, you will not remember that night you stayed in to study. But you will remember the night you and your best friend walked through the Taco Bell drive-thru just to not be served. You will remember that spontaneous trip you took with your friends despite spending more money than you would have liked. It is these moments that bring joy into our lives. Do not pass them by.

Those are just a few of the many tips I would give to my younger self if I could. Some of these may seem synonymous to the testament of finite time; that is, cliche and overused. However, after four years of college, these are the major things I learned. I hope to carry these to whatever chapter lays ahead of me, and I hope that you can take some of these with you as you continue writing your own story.

Goal Setting for the New Year

November 23, 2021 by Jon Salmen

In the spirit of the pending holidays and the coming new year, let’s talk about goals. Not coals in your stocking, but how you’re planning to hit the ground running in January or even before then with concrete goal setting.

There’s a bottomless buffet of advice for how to set goals. When it comes to my personal experience around school, fitness, and my career, I have 3 factors to which I can attribute lasting, fulfilling success. Here they are:

Clarify your ideals and direction.
Take action and stay motivated.
Surround yourself with people who inspire and support you.

Before You Set Goals, Start with an Ideals Framework

First, and most importantly… Ideals. Have them.

“If one does not know to which port one is sailing, no wind is favorable”
– Seneca

There is no glory in effort alone. If effort is just being cast into the world around you frivolously, there is no guarantee that life will return what you want. You are not entitled to anything just because you “tried really, really hard,” Hard work does bring success, true, but what is success to you? For all your hard work to pay off, start by defining your personal, specific vision of success.

Ask Yourself: What Is My Ideal Life? Then Match Your Goal Setting to Your Answers

In fitness, specificity training is important, especially for endurance events like marathons, century bike rides, or long swims. For the sake of a familiar example, let’s talk about a marathon. Whether you’ve participated in one or not, entertain me here.

If you need to run 26.2 miles straight, then where is the effort going for most of your training? Swimming? Biking? Weight training? No, running. Running is what you’re trying to do, so running is what you need to do more of, get better at, and devote more of your energy toward. (Yes, alternate exercises like weight training, swimming, and stretching are valuable as part of a well-rounded running regimine, but these are accessories to your running practice, not your area of focus.)

The takeaway is this: Practice who you’re trying to be by being that, now. (In this case, a runner.)

Similarly, our goal setting should reflect a level of commitment and consistency.

Next, Match Your Actions to Your Goals

“Begin with the end in mind.”
– Steven Covey

This ideal goal of 26.2 miles is what sits in the back of your head as you sweat your ass off on a treadmill or cramp up during a neighborhood jog. The ideal inevitably becomes your intrinsic motivation. So, let’s pause for a reflection moment: What ideals have stayed dreams for too long?

Ask yourself: What specific actions I can take today, right now, to execute this dream?

Once we’ve established our ideals, we have to center ourselves back in the present. Now we’re charged with taking our first steps toward making our ideals our reality. To do this, we have to act.

“TAKE MASSIVE ACTION.”
– Tony Robbins

No dipping your toes in the water, either. Our actions should be big, bold, and consistent. Go all in. I bring life to this idea in an episode of my podcast, which you can listen to here.

There will always be a reason to quit. At anything. A sport, school, on family, your marriage, your friends, your job. Yes, it’s critical to draw boundaries and know when it’s time to walk away from something if it’s toxic or simply no longer serving you. But if you’re looking for a reason to quit just because something is uncomfortable or challenging, you’ll certainly find it. Do your best to eliminate those reasons. Keep going.

“As is your sort of mind, so is your sort of search: You’ll find what you desire.”
– Robert Browning

Chasing a Goal? Burn Your Boat

Fight as if everything rides on accomplishing this goal, which it does. Vikings, upon entering the west, had a tradition of burning the boats as they arrived. In doing this, they eliminated even the tangible possibility of retreat or failure at conquering the land they’d just entered. They believed a warrior couldn’t give a 100% effort while knowing there was a way out. How well do you work when distraction is close by?

We Don’t (Usually) Reach Our Goals Alone

Lastly, similar to your motivation and conquering mentality, consider the direct influences that persuade you and shift your wind. These are your people. The people around us sway us off our path on accident or sometimes maleficently. Which way are the people in your life moving you? And how much is this impacting your goal setting or your motivation and actions that follow?

Do you have a friend who is always spilling the tea, eating fast food, gets you to drink too much at the bar, or maybe straight up discourages you? Who knows what that person’s motivations are. Maybe it’s insecurity or fear. Maybe it’s something else. You cannot control how another person acts or feels or what they say. You can only control how you react. Control what you can and leave the rest. As my uncle once told me, “You can’t change the people in your life, but you can change the people in your life.” Maybe it’s time to make some hard decisions and uncomfortable concessions toward renovating your social landscape.

We have all heard the sayings like “You’re the average of the five people you hang out with,” or, “You are who your friends are.” And plenty of others. These ideals are based on Harvard studies of socioeconomic studies and cohorts, current social/positive psychology research, and lifetime longitudinal studies of people. A lot of extensive work has been done to drive home this takeaway: Who you surround yourself with matters a lot. The people in our community affect how we act, how we spend our time, how we eat, and even in some ways how we think. This goes on to affect how healthy, happy, and successful we are.

A Formula for Productive Goal Setting

A concept that I think brings us full circle today is: Gleicher’s Formula for Change.

D * V * FS > R
– Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel

A timeless business and life concept similar to the brilliant philosophy from Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel, which gave us Hegel’s dialectic (thesis–> antithesis–>synthesis). Beyond the years of philosophy and science in which this is based, there is a simple formula for how we change when it comes to goal setting and staying motivated to work toward those goals. We move directly from what is, to what is not, to a new what is, and then repeat.

The first thing that encourages change is dissatisfaction. How dissatisfied are we with the status quo (that’s the “what is” or thesis).
Next is vision. Our vision, which is the antithesis to the status quo, is what we compare to our ideal.
Lastly, we have our first steps. Our massive action, action plan, and confidence as we step into a part of the world and a part of ourselves we don’t know yet. A synthesis of our dissatisfaction and our goals. Sustaining this is what builds our motivation.

The formula has one last element, however, and that’s resistance. The three pieces above must outweigh any resistance to the change we’re going to make. Resistance obstacles could be a lack of commitment, fear, insecurity, bad friends, close-minded family, limited support, you name it. Just as you can augment the side of the equation for the better, you can decrease the resistance against your plans too.

As we head into the new year, use this time of renewal to engage in some goal setting. What’s making you dissatisfied, and what actions can you take to bring yourself closer to your vision?

Need a guide for practical goal setting? Use this SMART worksheet for identifying goals:

Looking for more comprehensive coaching for clarifying your vision, goals, actions, and community? Learn more about our programs here.

How NOT to Communicate

April 28, 2021 by Jon Salmen

I often feel disingenuous speaking on topics, regardless of how well-read or studied or peer reviewed my content becomes. So instead of a tip, how about some basic confessions? I hope I can keep you from falling into the same pitfalls that I have found myself. These are strategies, most of which unconscious, that have stifled relationships, kept me from specific opportunities, and plain displeased others. These are my top three communication no-nos.

Number 1:

Giving the Long Story Long

If the prospect of wasting the only finite resource we have on this planet doesn’t concern you, perhaps just some basic logic can. Telling a story and communicating like a marketer is great if you’re making a commercial, but the vast spectrum of listeners in your world would rather you make your point clear. Whether you are talking to creative types or what seems to be a living computer, they want to know as quickly as possible if what you have to say will be worth their interest. If you aren’t adding value, then not only are you wasting their time and yours, you are essentially just talking to yourself.

If you find yourself constantly trying to regain the attention of the person across from you or they are trying to clarify with questions as you are speaking, you have most likely failed up front to answer their questions or make your point clear. An example is the classic “tell me about yourself” question. A bottom up communicator may begin with “so I’m from so and so town blah blah blah…” and bounce from idea to idea. A top down communicator would start off with “I would have to say who I am is a combination of three things: where I am from, what I enjoy doing and studying, and an array of experiences.” Now the interviewer knows exactly the framework that you’re going to speak in. This gives the listener dumbo ears, it allows them to take in more of what you’re saying. When others have incentive to listen combined with a way of categorizing and organizing what is being said to them, they’re more likely to retain the information. After all, that is the goal of communication in the first place.

Number 2:

Talking like Icarus

Stop going way too big picture. It is important to think big picture, but it is not your best move to speak to everyone this way. We are built to pick up on snippets and pertinent details within conversation. The longer the story, the more your audience will be trying to remember relevant details. So what if there are no details? This is what I like to call the Icarus flight of ideas: A series of loosely aligned ideas with no particular feature that ends in nothing. Talking big picture is fun, but if effective communication is the goal, you’re missing it if you talk like this. Just imagine a clock catching on fire.

Too many times have I caught myself on a manic roller coaster of thoughts and tangential idea sharing. One thing reminds me of the next thing and before I know it, I’ve created a cool band name and drafted a bill for the state senator’s office. All without the help of the person or people listening.

Like I said, creative conversation and ranting is great, I think more people should interact authentically like this with one another. Personally, idea sharing is my favorite thing to do on this planet. #1 overall activity. But this is foolish if I am trying to really persuade or convey an idea clearly. Most people are looking to hear me say what they want to hear. Do not assume every person you talk to is consensual to challenging belief systems, truth-seeking, and exploring ideas every waking moment of their lives like you.

Number 3:

Sucker Punching

Imagine you are sitting down to dinner at your favorite restaurant and, before the waiter gets to your table, you scream your entire family’s order out loud from across the restaurant. What are the odds that he says “what the f#%”? Moreover, what are the odds that he picks any of that up and brings it to your table with no mistakes?

This is how people feel when you skip over the introductions in presentations, rapport building in meetings, and any scenario where a general social easing is expected. Skipping immediately to business disallows trust building, emotional priming, or idea preparation for the other side. They might feel stressed out, tense up and send the conversation in a totally different way than you intend. They feel like the waiter, “what the f#%?” Even if they don’t directly express it to you.

Always get to know the person, the context of their day so far, their life, and their purpose for meeting before diving into features, sales, negotiations or propositions. This information is sometimes more valuable than the minutia of points and topics covered by the conversation. The small talk has giant returns on relationship strength, networking, and executing successful sales. But more importantly, this is an efficient and polite way to communicate smoothly and effectively.

DM or put in the comments all the ticks, devices, strategies, and nonsense that has messed you up too.