Chances are that you have taken on some new strategies for the New Year. Be it a diet, workout plan, financial goal, or perhaps a relationship. I sincerely hope that you haven’t given up on them yet. Either way, stay tuned. Maybe this will come as a story of hope. Hopefully it will at least make you think.
This is a renewing time of year. You are probably incorporating a new daily behavior or attempting to develop a mindset that is better. And I wish you luck because that motivation is much harder to come by after the 1st, 2nd or 3rd quarter of the year. But whether it is meditating or selling more products– there are going to be pressures that knock you off your path. The practice is persistence. Constant readjustments, and recalibration. Because these goals are moving targets. You are growing older, experiencing more, working differently, and the weather is changing. The past fades and the future creeps on in. Always. Our goals are for a person that doesn’t exist yet. You are creating you, so don’t scrap it yet.
“Without imperfection, neither you nor I would exist” – Stephen Hawking
Outside of your mindset, I want to talk about a major force that is molding it… other people. The truth is that people will not support you all the time. I know, how mean? Those dumb pesky inherently evil people (he says sarcastically setting himself up for his next point)… Like it or not, we live in unavoidable competition with the people around us despite whether we are fully aware of it. And all your critics? They are as imperfect as you. I may even argue critics are severely more flawed. Because unlike the others trying their hardest, they are sitting back and judging. I think Hank Williams said it best,
“Mindin’ other people’s business seems to be high-toned, I got all that I can do just to mind my own, why don’t you mind your own business, (mind your own business), if you mind your own business, you’ll stay busy all the time.”
I think in a perfect world, we would mind our own business, but humans are highly intelligent social creatures. Now I know what you’re thinking, “you obviously haven’t met my cousin ‘so and so’”. Even them. Yes, even them. We, as humans, are constantly comparing and contrasting ourselves with others. It used to keep us alive to mirror or avoid behavior. Like “maybe I shouldn’t go in the opaque swamp with that weird lizard thing”. But as the primal environment has changed to modern, we now do this to a point of paralysis. The comparison has become “the thief of joy” as Teddy Roosevelt famously said. It no longer serves in the same capacity it did for our more ape like ancestors.
We no longer use this skill set to gauge whether we are threatened by the misery and obstacles of the environment. Instead we threaten each other with our ambition or the emotional state we live in. Coworkers, friends, family, significant others, teammates– could all be threatened or challenged by your mindset. Challenged to rise to a different level and keep up with your new standard. This challenge to match the highest energy in a room feels like a threat. Why do some people react to your goals like you just slapped them? I think because courage in others scares us more than any alligator in a swamp could. It inspires massive internal change, change many are often unprepared to ask of themselves. This type of change doesn’t just call for a step over a crack or to throw on another layer of clothes. It sits within us until we fix it or bury it. If you’re wondering why maybe others may scoff, critique or even try to disintegrate your goals, it just boils down to the insecurity arising from comparison.
David Goggins, ex Navy SEAL and famed Ultra Marathon runner, has words on this insecurity: “Our light reflects off all the walls they built around them. Your light allows them to see the contours of their own prison, their own self limitations.” (Can’t Hurt Me)
We have all felt this. I am sure you can recall bullshitting a reason or playing devil’s advocate for someone when they shared their goals. And I am also sure others have done the same to you at one point and you’ve begun to learn. It is okay. We compete naturally and it isn’t always as pretty as the olympics when we do. Sometimes competition brings war and death and poverty. In other times, it brings justice to a courtroom, love into a marriage or a sea of gold medals to a humble freak like Michael Phelps. Competition manifests itself in beautiful ways as often as it does in tragic ones. So let it drive you in the direction you need to go.
I leave you with this car-themed analogy:
Imagine we are a car on a long road trip and set on a specific destination, or goal. People around us are much like the dotted lines on the highway. They don’t really restrict us, but they give us a sense of clarity that we are in one lane or the other. Other people’s lives are guiding lines and we can leverage their success, their failures, their strategies and mistakes to better understand where we are and where we need to go. But they do not hold us back unless we choose to let them.
Likewise, good friends are like the seatbelts across our chest, the headlights on the road, and the gas in our tank. They keep us safe, focused and running. The people closest to us are constantly navigating us through our lives. It is important that we distinguish who are the shotgun riders and who are the nagging backseat drivers in our life. Take a pragmatic view to whom you spend the most time with, are they adding or subtracting value? Are they a source of direction, motivation, inspiration, knowledge? Or just a bunch of lousy potholes?
Surround yourself with love and remember to be someone others want around them too.
Check out my podcast, on Apple podcasts, “Plant Your Flag” or “Jon Salmen”. That’s me.
More exciting interviews coming up, be sure to check it out ASAP.
