The biggest obstacles to success are those we believe we can’t get over. Rarely are they the most difficult or the most demanding. They are merely the ones we think about. Our challenge is a predominantly internal thing. Stress and fear bounce around inside our heads until we feel hopeless and slowly begin to question our capabilities. So a key practice is to mindfully acknowledge why we are stressed out, where our fears still remain. It is only then that we continue towards a healthy lifestyle, an unhalting pursuit of our goals.
Today though, I don’t want to talk about the fluffy clouds of dreams and goal-setting. No, perhaps we shift focus from the ideal and into the real for a moment. Reality is that we will fail a lot more than we will succeed. But the failure, as you know, lies after the fact. True failure is giving up or not learning from past mistakes. Success lies in being vigilant not to overstay your welcome in some insane rabbit hole or depression.
So today we will focus on failure, discouragement, apathy, and any obstacles that may result in shortcomings. Along with the art of being unwavering in your values and persevering beyond your comfort zone.
I think I would leave you at a disadvantage to strictly spew words of encouragement when discouragement is much more abundant. It would be like learning how to swim before your trip out to the desert. So we will focus on the barren parts of the cultural environment in which we live. Much like a desert, there is an infinite dryness and accompanying thirst caused by the hot flame of mediocrity that burns all around us. If we don’t prepare ourselves to deal with an environment like that, we are at a total loss for overcoming the many trials that live there.
How do you deal with failure? I mean really. What does it do to you? Does it drive you to a dark place of self deprivation and regret? Do things like alcohol, drugs, sex, and music transform from pleasurable indulgences into emotional crutches? Is failure a motivator or a deterrent? Are the fears that you carry given the justice they deserve or are you too insecure to admit and address their influence on your behavior?
Our inability to address the things that hold us back do nothing except leave us unprepared. Living without fear is a terrible way to live. Live with courage. But this myth that one can live “fearlessly” is an ironically scared way to live in my opinion. A life afraid of fear. If it were possible, I would give that prescribed brand of living the time of day. But the truth is that any of the people living “fearlessly” have just learned how to win more of their battles in the face of fear. They didn’t learn how to side step fear when it presented itself, they learned how to beat its ass mercilessly whenever it reared up to derail their aspirations. They accepted fear.
These muted fears are the discouragement I am talking about. Arguably, all of our discouragement is chaperoned by these decrepit and shadowy doubts. We even have a built in fear machine in our brains called the amygdala. Although my neuroscience colleagues would have more to say, this brain area simply helps us recognize things that could hurt us or make us uncomfortable. A useful tool no doubt. The kicker is that physical and mental discomfort register the same way. A hot stove and a hard conversation are not all that distinguishable in this part of our psychology. But we can’t get a third degree burn from courage. Maybe if we are fighting fires. But asking for a raise, hiring a coach, paying for a gym membership, reading a few more books, going back to get another degree at school… these initially register as fears, but they present no harm by themselves. They are just unfamiliar to us right now.
The issue comes when we delay the time between intention and action. This problem space is fertile grounds for fear as well as faith. If faith is the thing you want to grow, fear is the weeds that would happily grow in its place. Our brain waters the seed of fear first, if you let it. Our amygdala, our negative cognitive bias. The idea that we psychologically register bad more efficiently than we do for good. It is our job to retrain ourselves to water that seed of faith every time instead of the doubts. Without that important intervention, we succumb to a negative victimized view of our lives.
So be unyielding in your optimism. Nurture a persistent positive perspective. People will fight you, people close to you, even those you thought were loyal friends. There will often be some sort of push back, but my advice? Hold the pillow down until they stop kicking. Don’t kill anyone, but cut their waste of air out of your life. Suffocate their negativity. Stifle that energy because if that’s the garden they tend inside themselves, it’s only a matter of time before those locusts spread to your field and infringe on your mind. Affect your life. Countless aspects of society will try to cut you down for no apparent good reasoning. And even your brain will fight to get you to surrender to comfort by any means. Out-think, outperform, out-optimism all of it.
Lastly, don’t be overwhelmed by this pressure to be average or to fulfill a stereotypical identity you could pick up at the drugstore. Setting goals can seem like a fool’s errand sometimes, especially around helpless folks that want to bring you down. Don’t be discouraged to make “unbelievable” goals and end up goalless. Don’t let perfectionism drive you away from making goals either. Strike a balance between emptiness and cliche. And force positive thoughts. Scream them like a crazy person to yourself on the treadmill. Pray on it. Meditate around your intentions. Remind yourself where you are, what you’ve overcome and where you plan on going all the time. That is the key to sticking to a goal. The action that follows a positive, clear, determined mind surely bring nothing short of fulfillment.
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