Kykeon Coaching

Lighting the Way For Young Leaders of Today!

Menu

FocalPoint Coaching

Immortal by Intention

by

I believe that anyone can go from nothing to something. But I also know this is possible only if we are brave enough, at every crucial moment, to come to terms with our infinite process of becoming. Once we accept that we are in a state of constant transformation, we can transform into someone better. I have found that it is typically at this crossroads that we take pride in our weaknesses, find comfort in our limited strengths– that they start becoming who we are more permanently. Seneca once addressed this paradox in his epitome, On the Shortness of Life, by stating it this way:

“You act like mortals in all that you fear, and immortals in all that you desire.”

Perhaps we begin seeing our fears less permanently today. Unfortunately, we can all recall aspects of ourselves or someone we may know who maintains a sense of identity from their flaws. “I am just a bad test-taker”, “I have trouble focusing”, “I struggle with commitment”, “I just have no self-discipline”, “it’s that sweet tooth of mine”… typically followed by the worst of all sayings, “That’s just the way it is.” If only we peeked ever so slightly into the abyss of history or an old high school yearbook– we could recognize that the way it is never was anything, really.

Surely there are many reasons why we tell ourselves this story…

It feels good. It it lets us off the hook, allowing us to circumvent the guilt we feel for being mediocre. Which we all feel in some aspect of our life from time to time. There are times when we are killing the game in one way and we are down in a ditch somewhere else, but we shouldn’t make excuses for our shortcomings or even go as far as to make them permanent parts of our identity. Expecting failure grants us the comfort of being right when we don’t get what we want.

Mark Twain put it like this, “It’s better to be an optimist who is sometimes wrong than a pessimist who is always right.”

Our fear is impermanent, so it might as well be faith.

Imagine you are on the beach and you are tasked with building a sandcastle of any kind. Now, you know the tide will rise and take the castle away much later in the evening. Knowing this, what sort of design do you build? Do you have fun and make a magnificent design? Or do you build something small and insignificant?

Whether you choose magnificence or mediocrity, it will be washed away.

Now this is not an original play on the old adages of “castles made of sand”. However, there is something we can do that is uniquely human and profoundly impactful to the world. We can choose to build the magnificent castle anyways. With artful design and creativity. One that inspires others on the beach. One that lasts in memory.

Our lives are not much different. Surely you can live a safe and conservative life. But there are no laughs to be had in that, there are no lessons to be learned, no memories made, no story worth telling.

I think that our immortality lies in the decision we make at these trivial crossroads: The choice whether to live trivially, or triumphantly in spite. Whether we choose faith over fear, magnificence over mediocrity, triumph over triviality.

What We Want

by

Think about the goals that you’ve set. Which ones are still sitting around waiting for that first try? Ones that haven’t seen an ounce of quality effort.

Let me put it this way: What did you intend to do? You might respond “Well, in intended to lose X pounds, make X money, feel X way about Y part of my life.”

One could argue that you never intended on doing any of it. Had you? It wouldn’t have come to mind.

Shadows only become more apparent on the brightest days, do they not? We are always obstructing sunlight to some degree, but it isn’t until the most beautiful sunny days that we become aware of our close, dark companion. It follows us and begs us to accept it. On dark days it seems that the shadow can creep inside of us, and awaits the warm sun to conjure it back out. My point? Many of us have some major work to do. Problems that need dealt with right now. Work we’d much rather delay, procrastinate, or entirely ignore. 

This is the start of reevaluating what we want and what we will tolerate. Some might argue you need pain to feel the urge to change, feel ashamed to start the work. But what if you can just want it and make it happen?

The Buddha once said, “The two human tragedies are when we don’t get what we want and when we do”. Further, that “Our thoughts determine our reality.” Can we even begin to understand what any of that means?

Well, it starts with thoughts. Thoughts become our beliefs which then determine our intention and intention is the most powerful force. Intention leads to action.

If motivation is a one lane dirt road to living the life we want to, intention is the paved runway for our deluxe private jet. Motivation comes and goes, it could you there at some point if you can keep it. Intention, on the other hand, assumes success. Intention annihilates apathy, breeds brilliance, corrupts confusion, destroys doubt, and engenders a new enthusiasm that can last forever.

Once we master our own intentions, we can begin to do a lot of good for ourselves, others, and do a lot of focused work in our corner of the world. First, we have to accept one bitter truth: We always do what we want. Yes. We always either do things or avoid doing things for a reason we choose. We act for a reason we have clearly laid out for ourselves at some level. Whether we actually articulate “I hate doing ______”  OR “I love doing ______” or if we just silently corresponded back and forth inside our own heads with the slightest hint of doubt or bit of courage, we are laying down a fertile foundation. We are always crafting stories, hypotheticals, and other false beliefs about our capabilities. Worst of all, we go on to take our own misguided advice.

For better or worse, we tend to get exactly what we believe we want.

The address to which we can send our thank you notes for these beliefs is somewhere in our past. Deep into our psychology lay millions of small details and outdated stories that have kept us from progressing. We concrete these beliefs and steer our lives. There is a strategy we can use to regain control in our lives though, we make the choice to create new beliefs.

I see it this way: We all have beliefs that influence our intention, and we do exactly what we intend to do. We are what we do, but we are all originally what we say we are to do. Understanding this wisdom is the first step in regaining the control we have lost in our lives. Putting ourselves back in the driver’s seat of our brain, the belief factory, is absolutely crucial to begin our ascent to wherever we intend on going.

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Silence is the Test

by

Many have always been in quarantine. But now that it is literally happening, let’s talk about it.

Because I am a little curious, I ask people questions about their life all the time. One question I ask people frequently is whether or not they meditate and most have proudly told me “they could never sit quietly for more than a few minutes, no way”. Now, if you are one of these people and you can relate to that answer, with the utmost respect, I want to let you know that I am fairly certain that you have a problem or you’re destined to start having some soon. Albeit extraordinarily fixable problems. Yes, like you can fix it today, or now, after you read this. Keep reading.

Basically, if you can’t hangout with yourself, why would you expect anyone to want to hang out with you? Seems kinda hypocritical. It is evident that many of us do not like what we think, can’t seem to bear the thoughts, but we expect others to listen, be receptive, and even agree!

Huh?

If you are like me and want your life to be and appear honest, calmer and a little happier than it is right now, indulge me.

Not to brag, but I am very conscientious of my health overall. Let me rephrase: The whole “dying early” thing doesn’t turn me on. I don’t smoke or vape, hardly drink, take drugs, or any of it. Reese’s cups on the other hand… I’m listening. On a serious note, personally, I think that health starts with the physical, moves to mental and then up to spiritual. In that order. Or at least I used to but it definitely goes both ways. Sound mind and body are sort of yin-yang.

Anyways, I do a lot of lifting and running and exercise activity. I have a pull up bar on my door, a weight vest next to my bed, bands, nice clothes and shoes to workout in different ways, even ice packs. I care A LOT about how I feel and how I look. Easy to measure those things though. Just post a pic on instagram to measure likes or reluctantly take a look at your poop when you’re done in there. My point is, physical things are easy to keep in line cause we can easily see them and measure them with an abundance of tools. And stools. Ha ha.

But am I able to give my mind the same attention? The same time, diligence & structure? LOL. No way. I know first hand that it is much harder to do the same amount of reps in my head. 

Flashback time. Earlier this year when I first got a meditation pillow, when I dedicated time in my morning and evening to spend 30 minutes meditating. As my big new year’s resolution, I knew I wanted to master this skill so many great leaders over time have become accustomed and to which they dedicated their success and peace of mind. How hard can it be, right? Sit on a pillow for 30 minutes… I mean we sit at desks, in the car, at class, at work, at some boring talk for WAY more than that. The path to success was mine to have, I thought. Just sit & think, simple. 

Well, I can say, it is harder than any amount of physical weight I have ever attempted. As someone that pushes myself in the gym quite a bit and on long runs, I can honestly say this meditation thing is a killer workout. I mean WOW. At the start, I thought I would rather pull a truck behind me to work everyday than sit for an hour a day attempting to think of nothing. It is hard to explain. It is analogous to one of those smooth edged two thousand piece puzzles or a Sistine-Chapel-sized “Where’s Waldo”. Where Waldo, for the sake of the example, is the mind, that I have started to lose. 

I am being appropriately dramatic. The hardest part, really, is the fact most of us have never done it before. Unloaded our thoughts to ourselves. Just backed that amygdala dump truck right into the prefrontal part of our brain. Never even tried or we just quit before we even start. We have all these stories, that we are told and that we tell ourselves. All we have are those stories and we become these stories. You may call them facts, and opinions, and ideas and a convenient plethora of other names, but they are all just stories. Narratives that run our lives.

Stories. All we have in our heads to make decisions, determine our relationships, how much money we make, how much love we feel. And most of us? Not even trying to quality-check these stories that consume our minds and the moves we make on a daily basis. For most, there is no more than a quick, vague glance before unskillful words leave our mouths, unskillful actions hurt people around us, and unskillful work leaves us lonely and unsatisfied. Boo to that.

Most people I interact with have no idea why they do anything. They have reasons, sure, on the surface. We all know somewhere deep down who we are supposed to be but what good is it for you if it remains unarticulated. Hidden even for the rest of your life? You have to give yourself permission to go and be you. 

So… how do you uncover, unleash, empower–you? Like all these corny inspirational meme accounts are out here saying? It starts with questions that make our brain hurt,  turn our stomachs and tie a knot (yeah, no, not the other questions, those ones, yep, the hard ones)…These are the questions we would rather suppress with our favorite TV shows, a glass of wine, or a big plate of our most tempting snacks. 

I think we are deathly afraid to meet ourselves. Causes a lot of thinking pain. Look at it like this: All the thinking pains are just squirrels in your attic, waiting for you to go up there and beat them out with your mom’s old broom. And no amount of TV, wine, or snacks is going to drive them away. In fact, your attempts at avoiding are just as detrimental, and will keep them living comfortably with all the crumbs your insecurity continues leaving for them. If you choose that. 

My fear is that many never figure out what it feels like to clear their mind and take back control of their lives. To free themselves from the chains that they themselves have allowed other people, society, past stories, present lies, and future fears to place over them. We are the tyranny we fear in our government, the panic we feel outside in our world, we are each other. And we are doomed to rot as much in a jail cell just as if we were a convicted murderer, if we choose to kill the only part of us that makes us feel alive. 

My dream is that, at the very least, you take a long look in the mirror at some point during this time and you ask yourself who is really looking back at you. Without your routine, without your safety, without your previous certainty about what each day will bring. Now that we don’t interact, express ourselves with our clothing, and project all of this social ornamentation. No peer pressure at the gym to get us through another repetition, another mile, to quit goofing around. Now that it is just you, maybe your family, and you can’t just show everyone what you do? What actually makes you a leader and someone capable of seeing that potential.

So, are you going to go off and make another post about how shitty this all is, tweet another unoriginal joke about the struggles we are all facing, average out with everyone else’s mediocrity? Or step up and lead from wherever you are, and get an answer to the question that keeps you getting out of bed and going on with this chaos? Now close your eyes, take a look at where the world really starts.

Simplicity

by

Your life probably seems like a big mess especially if you care enough to look. But worrying about things is almost always totally useless. So here is a quick obstacle course to run the old mind through… Like a HIIT workout for your brain (no stretching required). 

5 quick questions to ask yourself:

  1. How is my life going?

Satisfaction is typically our measure for this category. In the areas of your life, how are all those categories working? Rank them 1/10.

2. How many things do I do?

Literally, what roles you have. What you do and a total exhaustive list of the things that you have to do from pure human physical upkeep and labor to hobbies and career goals.

3. Do I need to do all of those things?

Now think about how many of those things are actually necessary to do. Prioritize which ones just take up time and which things add and benefit heavily to your life and purpose. 

4. How far do I fall short of those standards I set for my actions?

There was a standard you needed to meet. Or at least from here on, you will set a standard to meet. Just evaluate and be honest, compassionate, and forgiving if you have not met them. 

5. What do you need to do to improve and progress?

What knowledge or skills can you use? What knowledge or skills can you learn? How can I change my attitude? Again, forgive yourself for your shortcomings and focus on the progress not the past. 

Get a current state, simplify, reevaluate and then do what needs to be done. 

Don’t contemplate it, do it.

Be Their Mirror

by

The way that I have been able to relate and apply this information means a lot to me because I have a newfound respect for the people that have held me accountable in my life. The brave people that made me into an honest man. That have, essentially, been my mirror. 

As we know, there are a lot of ways that we can interact with other people in a way that can make profound differences in their lives. And oftentimes, that works both ways in mentorship. I will start by briefly explaining how we function at a very basic level without going into scrutinous detail. Simply put, people’s minds are like the layers of an onion and we have to help each other break through to that vulnerability to be creative and motivate progressive change. 

From Socrates to stand-up comedy, mankind benefits and enjoys stripping those layers away and playing around a bit, cutting through them. Challenging structures of thoughts and beliefs. 

I want to talk about a revolutionary scientist that changed the way we have studied and interpreted the brain and human behavior. Neuroscientist, Paul D. Maclean. In the 1950’s and 60’s, he split our great onion-like brains into three main layers:

  1. The Reptilian Brain/ Primal Brain
  2. The Paleomammalian Brain/ Emotional Brain
  3. The Mammalian Brain/ Rational Brain

Let’s go over why this random academia is applicable. 

When we are asked a hard question? Our primal thought level will deflect or shoot off a quick answer. The emotional brain will interact with it and may show in your body language. And rational thought may try to guess at a best answer for the person to which you are speaking. 

Any answers is a combination of the lateral thought through ALL of these layers and sublayers, so I ask you, how do we know we are getting the truth? How do we judge vulnerability?

We don’t. We can’t. 

Unfortunately in a world of nuclear and quantum level technology we still can’t exactly read a person’s unconscious thought in a way that we can understand practically. But, thanks to our friend Socrates, we know how to ask questions ad nauseum. We can merely create environments and conversations where that relationship can thrive. 

So what does an effective version of that look like? 

This may seem unrelated, but upon looking in a mirror, what do you see?

Mirrors tell you every pimple, scar, out of place hair, wrinkle, or reluctant roll of fat. And, what more? It doesn’t care how you feel about it. Many of us aren’t confrontational people, but I challenge you– Be more like a mirror for the people you interact with. It will help you break through those layers and interact in a way that is honest and real. 

So, how do we know we are getting the truth? We have to keep people talking and thinking and out of their old patterns of thought. Challenging them to take that step into emotional or well-contemplated discoveries. By being relentlessly reflective. Being their mirror. 

Here is an example of a mentor/ mentee conversation:

Mentor: What is on your mind? 

Mentee: I suck at managing time.

Mentor: Anything in particular that is stressing you?

Mentee: I just suck at managing time!

Mentor: Oh, you’re fine. How do you spend your time?

Mentee: I am always busy, I just can’t figure out how to stay motivated and I get distracted.

Mentor: You’ll be okay. Don’t worry, I’ll help. 

Here is alternative conversation: 

Mentor: What is on your mind? 

Mentee: I suck at managing time.

Mentor: Yeah you probably do suck at managing time.

Mentee: How do I get better?

Mentor: How do you get better?

Mentee: I could buy a planner…?

Mentor: You should buy a planner! That is a great idea.

Mentee: I always use those things for a month and then forget about it.

Mentor: So you expect to quit on yourself? You’re a quitter now?

Mentee: Well… no.

Mentor: So let’s get started!

Both are conversations I have been apart of (I was the mentee). But can you tell the difference? There are key small, yet crucial differences.

First conversation stagnates at the end with plain sympathy. It is nice and reassuring, but if the goal is progress, none was made. The second, however, moves towards action. Sympathy is a remarkable skill, but action is what’s needed to change a bad situation into good. The first conversation allows each person to be comfortable in shallow communication. The second however forces the mentee to open up, and peel some layers back while staying affirmed.  “You probably do suck” and “You’re a quitter now?” are aptly paired with “Great idea” and “Let’s get started!” Challenging the mentee’s thought and ego while affirming hope, specifically hope that good things are to come. 

Like a sommelier pairs wines skillfully with someone’s steak at a restaurant, a mentor combines sympathy with very accountable questioning and tough loving critique. 

A lot of us answer questions in a way that avoids being real. We expect others to coddle us and tell us everything is going to be okay, even when it isn’t. We tell people “it’s okay” or “you’re fine” or “you’ll figure it out” when it isn’t the case. 

We can celebrate success without downplaying failure. 

As mentors, we have to reflectively listen to the people we care about. Being positive and supportive is a good thing. But being real is more important. Being real helps us interact vulnerably, peeling away those layers, and creating complex positive thoughts.  

Be as accountable to your people as a mirror is for you.  

Persistence

by

Chances are that you have taken on some new strategies for the New Year. Be it a diet, workout plan, financial goal, or perhaps a relationship. I sincerely hope that you haven’t given up on them yet. Either way, stay tuned. Maybe this will come as a story of hope. Hopefully it will at least make you think.

This is a renewing time of year. You are probably incorporating a new daily behavior or attempting to develop a mindset that is better. And I wish you luck because that motivation is much harder to come by after the 1st, 2nd or 3rd quarter of the year. But whether it is meditating or selling more products– there are going to be pressures that knock you off your path. The practice is persistence. Constant readjustments, and recalibration. Because these goals are moving targets. You are growing older, experiencing more, working differently, and the weather is changing. The past fades and the future creeps on in. Always. Our goals are for a person that doesn’t exist yet. You are creating you, so don’t scrap it yet. 

“Without imperfection, neither you nor I would exist” – Stephen Hawking 

Outside of your mindset, I want to talk about a major force that is molding it… other people. The truth is that people will not support you all the time. I know, how mean? Those dumb pesky inherently evil people (he says sarcastically setting himself up for his next point)… Like it or not, we live in unavoidable competition with the people around us despite whether we are fully aware of it. And all your critics? They are as imperfect as you. I may even argue critics are severely more flawed. Because unlike the others trying their hardest, they are sitting back and judging. I think Hank Williams said it best, 

“Mindin’ other people’s business seems to be high-toned, I got all that I can do just to mind my own, why don’t you mind your own business, (mind your own business), if you mind your own business, you’ll stay busy all the time.”

I think in a perfect world, we would mind our own business, but humans are highly intelligent social creatures. Now I know what you’re thinking, “you obviously haven’t met my cousin ‘so and so’”. Even them. Yes, even them. We, as humans, are constantly comparing and contrasting ourselves with others. It used to keep us alive to mirror or avoid behavior. Like “maybe I shouldn’t go in the opaque swamp with that weird lizard thing”. But as the primal environment has changed to modern, we now do this to a point of paralysis. The comparison has become “the thief of joy” as Teddy Roosevelt famously said. It no longer serves in the same capacity it did for our more ape like ancestors.

We no longer use this skill set to gauge whether we are threatened by the misery and obstacles of the environment. Instead we threaten each other with our ambition or the emotional state we live in. Coworkers, friends, family, significant others, teammates– could all be threatened or challenged by your mindset. Challenged to rise to a different level and keep up with your new standard. This challenge to match the highest energy in a room feels like a threat. Why do some people react to your goals like you just slapped them? I think because courage in others scares us more than any alligator in a swamp could. It inspires massive internal change, change many are often unprepared to ask of themselves. This type of change doesn’t just call for a step over a crack or to throw on another layer of clothes. It sits within us until we fix it or bury it. If you’re wondering why maybe others may scoff, critique or even try to disintegrate your goals, it just boils down to the insecurity arising from comparison.

David Goggins, ex Navy SEAL and famed Ultra Marathon runner, has words on this insecurity: “Our light reflects off all the walls they built around them. Your light allows them to see the contours of their own prison, their own self limitations.” (Can’t Hurt Me)

We have all felt this. I am sure you can recall bullshitting a reason or playing devil’s advocate for someone when they shared their goals. And I am also sure others have done the same to you at one point and you’ve begun to learn. It is okay. We compete naturally and it isn’t always as pretty as the olympics when we do. Sometimes competition brings war and death and poverty. In other times, it brings justice to a courtroom, love into a marriage or a sea of gold medals to a humble freak like Michael Phelps. Competition manifests itself in beautiful ways as often as it does in tragic ones. So let it drive you in the direction you need to go.

I leave you with this car-themed analogy: 

Imagine we are a car on a long road trip and set on a specific destination, or goal. People around us are much like the dotted lines on the highway. They don’t really restrict us, but they give us a sense of clarity that we are in one lane or the other. Other people’s lives are guiding lines and we can leverage their success, their failures, their strategies and mistakes to better understand where we are and where we need to go. But they do not hold us back unless we choose to let them. 

Likewise, good friends are like the seatbelts across our chest, the headlights on the road, and the gas in our tank. They keep us safe, focused and running. The people closest to us are constantly navigating us through our lives. It is important that we distinguish who are the shotgun riders and who are the nagging backseat drivers in our life. Take a pragmatic view to whom you spend the most time with, are they adding or subtracting value? Are they a source of direction, motivation, inspiration, knowledge? Or just a bunch of lousy potholes?

Surround yourself with love and remember to be someone others want around them too.

Check out my podcast, on Apple podcasts, “Plant Your Flag” or “Jon Salmen”. That’s me.

More exciting interviews coming up, be sure to check it out ASAP.