Kykeon Coaching

Lighting the Way For Young Leaders of Today!

Menu

Jon Salmen

Im-Perfectionism

by

Perfectionists struggle because they overthink, over evaluate, and constantly find themselves in a state of analysis paralysis. Perfectionists that don’t try? They find themselves perfectly mediocre. Perfect at being conservative, certain, and safe. Perfect at being just barely enough, stable, and empty. Perfect at avoiding obstacles, perfect at avoiding fear, and ultimately perfect at avoiding growth.

“Problems are the gifts to which we grow”- Tony Robbins

What is perfect? It doesn’t exist. The concept it represents is ideal, not real. You can not be an ideal. We can merely be close. That is true. But, in the end, we determine what is fulfilling. Your idea of perfect is a social construct, and so is mine and they don’t match up. It is just the channel you have likely subscribed to in your life for many just reasons. However this is not the agora, so I digress.

It is said that our greatest fear is rejection. Rejection as an absence or exclusion from someone or something in one way or another. Rejected and absent from a life of love. Excluded from society. Rejected in the eyes of a creator/ God. We fear that our lives will be absent of this approval. You fear that you will be rejected for who you are so, in defense, you strive to be perfect. 

But what we really fear is not being enough. Enough to be loved, to be accepted, to be adored, looked up to, smiled back on. That we matter enough to leave a legacy. I say it is because we feel rejected for the things we didn’t do, perhaps the things that we have not yet finished. We don’t feel like we are good enough to earn this approval from others. We believe we are not worthy of some ideal standard. 

We aren’t. You aren’t. I am not. But guess what? Neither is anyone else. Nobody leads a perfect life and you are not going to be the first. But you can strive to mitigate imperfections by tackling obstacles. Acquaint yourself with the enemies within and around you. You can only run so far with weights around your ankles and maybe your weights are a constant unrealistic desire to become a you that you can really never become.

“If you know the enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles…” -SunTzu
The answer? Try things. Get out and do. Go out and be. As Taco Bell says, “Live mas”. 

Know your doubts and know your faith to overcome them. If you don’t have the perfect plan, you still try. Trying is fundamental to achieving. Trying is the best approach to any problem you have. Trying is perfect. Faith is perfect. Neither guarantee success, but the resilience to keep on trying and keep faith even when it seems impossible? That is as perfect as it gets. If we don’t try because we are afraid our effort won’t be perfect, we would surely find ourselves in a very imperfect place. Lazy, apathetic, and disheartened more often than not.

If we played a game we always knew we would win, we would certainly stop enjoying it. Perfectionism is not a virtue. It is a myth. One that has likely been discouraging you from living, so stop trying to be perfect and start trying to be better.

 Life is ambiguous and uncertain. It’s a gamble and you can take your chances. But I promise if you try your very best and you courageous enough to execute even the smallest imperfect plan when others won’t. That is momentum, inspiration, achievement… perhaps even perfect.

The Freedom of Discipline Pt.2– Time

by

Last post we talked about the importance of honesty and self awareness as it relates to “managing” your life. I say “managing” because it is really just living. Living purposefully. The next step after weighing the pros and cons of the old you? Develop a plan! A plan of action that hopefully proves to be of significant value to any metric we use for the harmony and balance in our lives.

The T in SMART goals stands for “time-bound”. The project planning on an engineers or architect’s desk for a project is organized by a project flow chart, indicating completion and start times for certain tasks. A classroom, your job, a restaurant, a retail store… all run on time oriented goals. Hell, it’s even a legendary Pink Floyd song with a catchy intro. From when a store opens to when a new marketing strategy kicks in for the upcoming season– We are all slaves to time and its admirably brutal consistency.

The common denominator that earmarks our lives and determines where we will ultimately allocate our resources: time. Time is the underlying framework that we use to organize and prioritize our lives. So if there is a solution to be found, it most certainly lies within the deep dark mysterious realm of time.

Of no mystery to me… In my time mentoring young people, the most crucial skill and hindrance on performance has been time-management. Although most of these young men have entirely different goals and capabilities, all have said that time-management as well as the ability to meditate consistently were their top focus. These skills seemed to make or break performance as a whole in their minds, and they are sure of it. Not parties, not social drama, not even a lack of prefrontal cortex brain development or the monstrous debt looming over them in college. Nope, just time. How they chose to spend it. 

The answers to the problems you have are on your wrist, your microwave, the top of your phone and ringing from bells in that one town with the roundabout and the courthouse. Effective time management is fundamental to any strategy. Ding Dong, ding dong.

We know this though. We know what we ought to do, and we do not do it. Often.

When we set a plan of action, we have to gauge time. So we really look at two things: (1) How much time do we spend doing anything at all and (2) How much time we NEED to spend on the those things. I find my guitar time could cut into my studying, my work could overlap with my gym time. Almost always, my obligations run into one another.

You don’t have to stop doing the things that you love to do or live like a Navy SEAL just to perform better or become more structured. No. But you need to at least get comfortable examining your life a little deeper. (make a schedule, buy a planner, use a calendar)

We fight against bad health, poor relationships, unfulfilling careers, pushy bosses, that guy in traffic that doesn’t understand the critically symbiotic relationship of merging. Kidding, don’t road rage. In reality, we only really fight one thing at the root of it all. Time is the only battle we have. The only boulder we must push up our metaphorical hills. Where we find ourselves in this constant battle is all about how prepared we are. Are we managing our time the best?

Time management is the first step to the momentum shift you want to see in your life. It is very hard to take a first step if you don’t make time to take it. Now it would be a shame if old, feeble, father time kept you from enjoying anything. So just check in on him from time to time so he doesn’t take all of it away from you.

On Friendship

by

Of the three things that drive man’s happiness (autonomy, competence, connection), connection has always taken the cake. Our idea of the self, the world, and our future is almost always oriented in a way that emphasizes our impact on or mere connection to other people. It is crucial to the success in our lives and others that we are harmoniously intertwined.

“We came into the world for the sake of one another” – Marcus Aurelius 

Our advances in human psychology have only concreted ancient, enduring, timeless concepts of interconnectedness among our peers. From ancient buddhist ethics in the East to current individualist movements in the West– the value we place on our moral interaction with others holds primary importance in our science, our art, and our philosophy. 

“If you want to change the world, start with yourself” – Mahatma Gandhi 

The truth is that human beings are walking mirrors, copycats, and harmless imposters. All we do, arguably all we know how to do– is copy one another. There lies a severe lack of creativity among us, at least it seems. All of us try to emulate greatness. We have parents, friends, coaches, role models, celebrities, or experts we draw from that give us a framework of our goals and expectations. Ways we ought to go about living our lives. Again, guided by our connection to each other. Think, who is modeling you?

In that process of social adaptation we typically discover our own competencies, our own individual greatness. We become ourselves in our attempt at emulating greatness. We find our strengths and weaknesses, our likes and dislikes. This is likely the process we discover our talents, preferences, tendencies and unique value. And when we fall, we fall among the company of the greats we have been trying to become. 

“The most honorable thing a man can be is he who he pretends to be”- Socrates.

Our inspiration and courage, as Simon Sinek once put it, is NOT something we dig down deep for, “it is external”. We learn that the motivation to be courageous and inspire is the result of the level of courage and inspiring acts of others. To inspire, we must be inspired. The strength we need can be found readily in observation. Explicitly seeing that the previously impossible entities in our minds are being brought to life grants us the idea that we, too, can achieve them. In our own way. All thanks to the connection and the lessons we learn surrounded by friends.

So start being the person you’re pretending to be, there’s honor in that. And the people around you will be grateful that you at least tried.

The Freedom of Discipline Pt.1– Goals

by

We have the freedom to do just about anything. Right now our ability as humans to wield and manipulate nature is more advanced than anytime in history. We have unlimited free will to mold and reshape the world around us with every decision. So how do we regain control in our worlds? Time management, prioritization, goal setting, strategic planning. Just to name a few. Why is it so important that we architect our lives this way?

Maybe the magnificent lies among the mundane.

Primarily, the things we do are just as important as the things we don’t. What we choose to spend time doing is just as important and vital as the things we avoid. So the question for you is: What do you spend time doing that you think adds the most value, and what do you avoid doing that keeps you from enjoying success?

If the root of all of our stress comes from our to-do lists, I would say it is of the utmost importance as to what we decide to write down. 

Every part of our life has some sort of measurement we employ to keep track of progress. For relationships, it is love. For our careers, money. In our mind, there’s peace. For our body, energy. Spiritually, you have faith.

How are you measuring up to where you want to be in your life? (Love, peace, energy, faith)

Next, it is important to equate all of these measurements and see how they interact. Think: Is the focus on money drawing from your inner peace? On the other hand, a revamping of love could be supplementing your inner peace or energy. Perhaps your time in the gym or on the trails allows you to stay more driven or positive in your relationships.

Whichever the case may be, it is key that we determine the relationships between these different facets of our lives.

How does this relate to discipline? Discipline is defined as “training oneself to do something in a controlled or habitual way”. So one habit is simply to keep track of these metrics in your life. A current-state self check-up. A doctor or a therapist can only guess how you’re doing in these areas, only YOU can tell you how you’re really doing.

Ask yourself how you’re doing because the discipline to be honest with yourself is the first step to change.

Motivation

by

Resilience is defined as “the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties”. Also known as toughness, flexibility or adaptability. 

The root of resilience is adapting, keep on going despite what life offers. That level of perseverance takes action. Action: takes motivation. 

The APA (American Psychological Association) defines motivation as “‘inducing behavior’—stimuli that motivate us to take action are those that transform potential energy into kinetic energy. This transformation is literal and figurative. In the absence of motivation, ability or potential cannot be transformed into products or performance.”

“In the absence of motivation, ability or potential cannot be transformed…”

When there are unwanted circumstances, we adapt to them. When there are problems arising, we try to solve them. In any case though, our resilience has to outweigh our resistance to change. It is only when our vision, our beliefs, and our willingness to act outweigh our insecurities that we can lead resilient lives. 

Motivation has a formula to it and there are many different types. However, we can divide them into two main categories: intrinsic and extrinsic. Extrinsic motivation stems from other people’s expectations and desires. Intrinsic is motivation comes from inside of us. We are intrinsically motivated when the actions we are taking are fueling meaning and purpose. 

Meaning and purpose typically arise from things that grant us a sense of autonomy, competence, and connection. If one can satisfy those three things, the work typically turns indifference to inherently meaningful. When something means that much to us, the excuses don’t fly anymore. “I’m tired”, “It can wait”, “I don’t feel like it”… are all insufficient replies to a woman whose son is stuck under a car. Where did she find the strength? 

“When something means that much to us, the excuses don’t fly anymore.”

Point is, if you can find a mission that supports your vision, challenges you, and keeps you in flow– you’ll have no problem finding the strength to lift the cars in your life. 

Whether it is going to the gym and finally losing the weight, being more involved in your work or school because it would help your performance, improving the relationships you’ve been taking for granted, finally getting your finances and diet in check… whatever it is, you have to see that resilience overcomes resistance. 
So my personal call to action is to imagine prolonging all of it. 

Close your eyes. And think about how good you feel still being out of shape, unhealthy, uneducated, underperforming, lonely, poor.

Draw it out 5-10 more years. 

All of the consequences affect your life. Change later? And any of those things, all of those things, could affect your life.

Change now? And 10-years-from-now-you will thank you.