How many times have the “right words” to say felt just out of reach? Our interactions with others shape who we are and likewise we are shaping those around us. So how can we be certain we are making a good impression or saying the right things? How do we skillfully navigate and lead our conversations?
“The idea is to lead conversation, not dominate it.”
Often when we are interacting with other people, we feel this strange urge to make the conversation into something instead of letting it proceed. Like some perverse sudoku puzzle. Especially networking or business interactions where we want to “make an impression” or we have some end objective in mind. However, much to our detriment, we do leave a lasting impression. But the one we leave could seem very insincere, overconfident or even rude. But how do we make a good impression without appearing, on one end, shy and reserved, or, on the other, overbearing and bullish?
The conversations we are having with people should be organic.
By being inquisitive, honest and compassionate. That is how we make a good impression, pure curiosity. When others are curious about us, we tend to like them. Curiosity helps create a brand new conversation too. Who wants to talk about the same old crap over and over again? Nobody enjoys that vapid repetition. So break it. Ask a lot of questions. Asking questions shows how much you care. How interested you are in their business, perhaps their life, and that makes anyone feel good. Being the one that values others? That is the beginning of a good impression.
“We don’t need to dominate talk in our conversations, we need to contemplate it.”
Now as for right words, I like to refer to Buddha’s rules for skillful speech. That speech must embody all of these attributes, and be:
- Truthful
- Beneficial/ Uplifting
- Gentle
- Moderate/ Timely
Truthful speech is pretty straight forward. Say what you mean and mean what you say. And it doesn’t hurt to be caught up with current events or, even better, the current events of the person or business you are interacting with. When you speak, make sure it comes from a place that is sincere, just and also well informed.
Beneficial, gentle, and uplifting speech is just plain optimism. You may not be a well practiced optimist, we all have our days, but it is important if we are cognisant of our interactions, that when someone else is off, we help them see the light. Besides, that is all we have ever wanted in return when we are down. When they bring up something positive, affirm it. When they bring up a negative, reshape it and reinterpret it for them when possible. If they persist with a melancholic or self-defeating attitude, perhaps it is a conversation with which you don’t need to engage anyways.
Which brings us to moderate or timely interactions. When NOT to talk. The answer is often. We don’t need to dominate talk in our conversations, we need to contemplate it. The best mode of interaction is listening. Listening allows us to not only understand one another, but also to fine tune our speech before our time to speak arrives. The patience to form a well developed, truthful, positive and gentle point is important. Often what we want to say is true, positive, and gentle, but to speak would be an overstep or even unnecessary.
What does it accomplish to be skillful in our speech?
We have to change the way that we view conversation. The conversation isn’t some chess match we are winning or losing. We have to let it flow. The idea is to lead conversation, not dominate it. Much like a sailor navigates the sea, they do not dominate it. Just because they cannot tame the sea, does not mean they cannot navigate the ship with finesse and direction. We can prepare, we can form objectives, and we can be mindful of ourselves and our speech, but we cannot attempt to tame an untameable object. We just have to control our own attitude.
So as you engage in any conversation, formally and informally, think: Am I leading this conversation? If so, can I lead this conversation to a better place? And most importantly, are my choice of words true, positive, gentle and timely?